And he was beautiful!

Once I got back to the recovery room I was able to hold him.
 We started bringing family and friends into the room and everyone had a chance to hold him and love on him.  His brother and sister got the chance to meet him.
The Peanut helped to change his first diaper.

 And he got to hold Matthew's hand which is something he had told me he wanted to do.

Cousins

Everyone of his visitors got to spend time with him and hold him and love him.  He was passed around and around.

Let me tell you about my little "Matt-man."  (Feel free to hum the Batman theme song whenever you say his nickname!)

"A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway." MIB3

Weeks ago, when we were freshly reeling from the difficult news we had received about our baby, we sat in Mass and listened to the Gospel.  It was about miracles.  We listened to stories about how Jesus had healed a woman and brought a little girl back to life.  I'll be honest.  At that moment it kind of felt like a bit of a slap in the face.

I am sure I felt a bit like some of the people in the crowd might have felt.  Pressing around Jesus.  Looking for miracles. Then one woman who touches the hem of His garment is healed.  Her faith healed her.  It makes me wonder if any of the people in the crowd asked the question.  "What about my miracle?  Why her?  I have faith too.  I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe.  Why not me too?"

It was a question I found myself asking.  "Where is my miracle?"

Because in that moment all I wanted was a miracle.  Not just any miracle of course.  My very own custom made to order miracle.  I wanted to be able to ask God for exactly what I wanted exactly the way I wanted it.

My vision is very short sighted.  I can't see the whole picture and because of that it is sometimes easy to forget that there is something beyond my field of vision.

It's all too easy to call out that challenge to God.  God you are all powerful.  I know you can do this.  So why don't you?

Sound familiar?

It's pretty much the same challenge the first thief called out to Jesus on the cross.  "Are you not the Christ?  Save yourself and us!" Luke 23:39

Of course the second thief had one simple request.  "Jesus remember me when you come in your kingly power." Luke 23:42  And we all know what Jesus responded to him.  He said, "get down off the cross.  Your faith has healed you."  Right?

No?

Now, before I embark on my little pity party I just want to express a few things.

First is that it is really hard for me to share at times like these.  Don't get me wrong.  I can complain with the best of them.  About all the little annoyances and inconveniences.  I don't like to clean.  I can't cook.  My kids keep making messes.  Wah!  But when something major happens?  I fold inward.  I cave.  Just hide away from the world until it all goes away.  I have a really hard time sharing the difficult times.  I feel bad calling out for everyone to feel sorry for poor little me.  Then I feel totally overwhelmed when everyone steps forward with offers of help or support.  How will I ever begin to repay them?

This time I am pushing myself out.  I know hiding away won't change anything.  I would have to say something eventually.  Unless I just quit blogging all together and I'm not really ready to do that.  It will only get harder the longer I wait.  And if I really am going to be open and honest then I need to be able to share the lows as well as the highs.

So I will start by sharing some of the highs.  That way you will know that there is some brightness in our world right now.  When I talk about my busy schedule, it's not all doctors appointments.

It's also...

Right now I feel like I am sitting at the top of a roller coaster just waiting for the bottom to drop out from under me.  I don't know exactly when it will happen but I know it will and all I can do is hang on for dear life.  I never liked roller coasters.

I am normally not a very organized person.  I know, don't be too shocked.  When it comes to schedules and appointments I am a mess.  Usually I rely on things like the Evite email or the phone call from the doctor's office to remind me I am supposed to be going somewhere tomorrow.  I have a calendar in the kitchen and have been steadily working on improving myself by remembering to make little appointment notes in it over the last year or so.  Still, I usually have between one and maybe four things written down on that calendar for an entire month.
The other day I looked at my calendar for this month and next and felt the panic start to seep in.  My schedule is so busy.  Usually I feel busy when I have those four thing months.  Now I have something at least every other day.  Every week I have a doctor appointment scheduled with a different specialist.  Tomorrow we have our first meeting with a fetal cardiologist.  Sprinkle in all the added summer activities like Vacation Bible School and play dates with friends and add a few other appointments like a dentist visit.  We decided against putting the Peanut in swim lessons this year because we just couldn't find the time to fit them in.

Now, let me tell you what is making me feel so overwhelmed.

A couple of weeks ago, bright and early on a Saturday morning, my husband and I packed the kids up in the car and drove the hour drive to his mother's house.  After dropping off my husband, the kids and I then drove an hour and a half back, past our house, to a birthday party for one of my son's best buddies.  (My son was rather dismayed that for some reason it took 2 1/2 hours to drive to the birthday party!)  While we were having fun splashing and eating cupcakes, my husband and his mother were in her van, driving the five hours to my parent's house.  They stayed for a few hours and then turned right around and drove back.

At around 1am I got a call from my brother asking me if my husband had arrived home yet.  I looked outside to check and discovered, to my surprise, a vehicle in the driveway containing my brother and sister-in-law!

At around 2am my husband arrived home.  He had dropped his mom off at her house and we would be taking her van back the next afternoon.

Why?